Every once in awhile in the rare still of big city silence, you can tilt your ear toward the breeze and hear the distant cry of the almighty dramahawk.
Saturdays and Sundays are normally my days to sleep in. My head doesn’t hit the pillow until around 4am the night before and my wife sends Ben up sometime around noon to perform his latest top-rope wrestler dive to wake me up. But this past Sunday was different. I was awoken by the legendary dramahawk. Not a drama queen mind you. Contrary to popular belief, a drama queen does a shitload of whining and ridiculous complaining but never actually hits the ear-piercing octave necessary for dramahawk status.
What I woke up to, less than four hours after falling asleep, was a cry so wretched it could only mean that a serious injury had taken place. And I’m almost certain any neighbor within a three-block radius came to the same conclusion.
For a moment or four, I laid there going through all the possible scenarios in my head (aka secretly killing time and hoping the situation would be defused so I could go back to sleep):
Did Ben upgrade his trademark staircase jump to the fifth step and sprain his ankle upon landing?
Did he step on one of his Hot Wheels and concuss himself on the hardwood floor?
Did he fracture a finger trying to breakdance?
Was Wes Craven holding auditions in my living room?
I heard my wife doing everything she could to console him but it was only making his squawk more ferocious. Then I heard him wail the following unforgettable words: “ALL MY BLOOD IS COMING OUT OF MY BODY!!!” That’s when I sprung out of bed and sprinted down the steps, half expecting to find the elevator scene from The Shining and a knife sticking out of my son’s foot. But that’s not even close. What he actually did to cause the bloodcurdling scream that jolted me from my morning slumber was…
…wait for it…
…wait a little longer…
…no seriously, you’re not going to believe this shit…
SCRATCH HIS KNEE ON A FUCKING THROW PILLOW ZIPPER!!!
This is a warning to new parents everywhere: BEWARE OF THE DRAMAHAWK!
And man up, Ben.